COLD OPEN
INT. NANDOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
NANDOR is getting dressed. He puts on some makeup. He struggles to put on a silk robe that is clearly too small for him. GUILLERMO tries to help.
NANDOR
Just hold it. I'm going to put my arm through.
GUILLERMO
I don't think it's going to fit...
NANDOR
You're pulling it! Stop pulling it.
GUILLERMO
Yes, sorry master.
NANDOR
I need to look sharp, Guillermo. It's for my vampire birthday, you know.
GUILLERMO
Yes, master. I know.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
A vampire birthday is a lot like a human birthday. It commemorates the anniversary of a vampire's turning. I used to have so much fun celebrating it every year.
Images of brutal massacres from history flash across the screen.
NANDOR (CONT'D)
It has been a while since I've had a big party like I used to have. I'm looking forward to this year, though.
INT. NANDOR'S BEDROOM - BACK TO SCENE
With the robe fully on, Nandor twirls around.
NANDOR
Perfect.
GUILLERMO
Are you sure this is the outfit you want to wear?
NANDOR
How dare you question me! Of course this is what I want to wear. This robe is made from the finest human silk.
GUILLERMO
Okay, master.
NANDOR
You do know what human silk is, right Guillermo?
GUILLERMO
Um...
NANDOR
You know what part of the human it's made from?
GUILLERMO
No, that's okay, I don't need to kn-
NANDOR (T.C.)
The nipple.
Guillermo looks to camera nervously. END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. THE MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
LASZLO, NADJA, and COLIN ROBINSON are sitting on the couch. Guillermo enters and presents Nandor, who models his outfit for the other vampires.
NANDOR
So? What do you think?
NADJA
You look like a bloated geisha.
NANDOR
Like, in a cool way?
NADJA
No.
NANDOR
Why did you do this to me, Guillermo! I look foolish.
GUILLERMO
Sorry, master. I thought this is what you wanted to wear.
COLIN ROBINSON
You know, contrary to popular belief, geisha are not actually prostitutes.
As Colin Robinson speaks, the vampires look like they are about to fall asleep.
COLIN ROBINSON (CONT'D)
That misconception originated here in the West, where they were often conflated with oiran, whose traditional dress was similar to that of the geisha...
Laszlo snaps out of the trance.
LASZLO
Well, geisha or not, I think he looks rather dashing. You fill out that robe nicely, my friend.
NANDOR
Thank you, Laszlo.
LASZLO
I know I would be happy to wear something like that on my vampire birthday. If I could remember it.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO AND NADJA
LASZLO
I have always wanted to celebrate the anniversary of my own turning, but I don't remember the actual date. I don't even know if we had calendars back then.
NADJA
Of course we had calendars. You just never wrote it down.
LASZLO
I should have written it down.
NADJA
I'm pretty sure it was a Tuesday.
LASZLO
That sounds right. Or maybe a Wednesday? I remember it feeling like a hump day.
NADJA
Mine was on a Friday.
LASZLO
But we don't celebrate yours, do we?
NADJA
No. I have decided to stop celebrating my own vampire birthday. In solidarity with Laszlo.
LASZLO
Solidarity. It's not solidarity. You just don't like the idea of getting older.
NADJA
No, it's solidarity.
LASZLO
I keep telling you, we are vampires. We don't actually age. And you go on about how you may not age physically, but the world continues to change, and you've lost part of who you used to be, blah, blah, blah...
NADJA
(holding back tears)
No, it's solidarity.
INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
LASZLO
This is a big one too, isn't it, old chap?
NANDOR
Yes. One thousand years.
LASZLO
Well, not one thousand. Isn't it seven hundred?
NANDOR
Yes. Seven hundred years.
COLIN ROBINSON
So who are you going to turn for your septicentennial?
GUILLERMO
Wait, turn? As in, turn into a vampire?
NANDOR
Ah yes... I'm not sure yet. We shall see.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
It is tradition that every hundred years after a vampire's own turning, they turn a new vampire. It started as a way to carry on our vampiric customs from generation to generation. So far, every person I have turned has died immediately. But this is lucky number seven hundred!
INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
NADJA
You can always find someone out on the street. That's what I've done.
NANDOR
That could be fun.
LASZLO
I like to break into a person's house and hide in their closet. That really freaks them out.
NANDOR
That sounds good too... I don't know. What I really want is a big party like I used to have.
GUILLERMO
Oh, I could throw you one!
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
I love planning parties. A few years ago I planned a big surprise party for my mom's retirement. I rented out a room at her favorite restaurant, booked a great DJ... I even got balloons with her face on them. Turns out she hadn't actually retired, she had been fired. She still loved the party though.
INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
NANDOR
Alright, Guillermo! This is going to be the best birthday I've had in years!
GUILLERMO
I won't let you down, master.
INT. COLIN ROBINSON'S ROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo stands outside Colin Robinson's room. Colin Robinson sits on his bed, doing absolutely nothing.
GUILLERMO
Knock, knock!
COLIN ROBINSON
Oh, hi Guillermo. Sorry, you caught me a little indisposed.
GUILLERMO
No, that's okay. I was just wondering if you had any ideas for the birthday party.
COLIN ROBINSON
Oh, definitely. Can't go wrong with a polka band. Oh, and cucumber platters, homemade streamers, let's see...
GUILLERMO
I don't know if Nandor would really like any of those things.
COLIN ROBINSON
Oh, of course, this is for Nandor's birthday party. For Nandor... oh, here you go!
Colin Robinson pulls NANDOR'S ROLODEX out from under his bed and hands it to Guillermo.
COLIN ROBINSON (CONT'D)
This is Nandor's rolodex. It has contact information for all of his friends.
GUILLERMO
(unenthusiastically)
Oh, thank you.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
Guillermo flips through Nandor's rolodex.
GUILLERMO
I don't really like Nandor's friends. They treat me like a little kid. Alistaire the Benevolent always gives me purple nurples. Murad the Conquerer once hit me in the face with a pie. And oh, Human Larry? That guy is the worst. He's never bullied me, he just makes me feel really self-conscious.
INT. COLIN ROBINSON'S ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
GUILLERMO
Hey, why did you have this?
COLIN ROBINSON
You know, that's actually a funny story. I was in Nandor's room because my electric toothbrush was running low on battery...
GUILLERMO
That's okay, I don't need to know.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
I thought about inviting some of my own friends, but I realized I don't actually have any friends. Other than my mom, and she doesn't really get the whole vampire thing. Oh well, it'll be fine with just us.
INT. NADJA AND LASZLO'S ROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo enters the room.
GUILLERMO
Hey, you two.
NADJA
What is it, Gizmo?
GUILLERMO
It's Guillermo. I'm starting to plan Nandor's party and I'm looking for a venue. Do you guys have any ideas?
LASZLO
A venue, hmm... what about T.G.I. Friday's?
GUILLERMO
(sarcastically)
I don't know, that place is usually pretty packed. Might be hard to get a table.
LASZLO
Right, good point.
NADJA
Ooh, I know! That old abandoned mall by the river. There's this great little methamphetamine shop in the kiosk that used to be an Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Lots of good blood there.
GUILLERMO
That's an option, I guess...
LASZLO
Nope. Got it. The arcade.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO
LASZLO
Oh, I love the arcade.
Images from the 80's of Laszlo playing arcade games flash across the screen as he is speaking.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
In the 1980's I spent almost every waking minute playing arcade games. I had a special fondness for a game called Donkey Kong Junior. I even competed in the tournament circuit for a few years, before they kicked me out for stealing one of the cabinets. I just loved it so much. And I was really, really good at it.
INT. NADJA AND LASZLO'S ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
LASZLO
The arcade is great. And it's always crawling with virgins.
GUILLERMO
Hmm, virgins, you say? That could work.
INT. GUILLERMO'S ROOM - DAY
Guillermo is talking on the phone with the arcade.
GUILLERMO
So that date is available? Great!
GUILLERMO (CONT'D)
No, it's not for a child. But yes, I would like the balloons.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Party planning has been going really well. I think my master is going to like the surprise. I don't want to jinx it, but if the party goes well, he might finally make me a vampire!
INT. GUILLERMO'S ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
Guillermo is still on the phone.
GUILLERMO
Hey, can I ask you kind of a weird question? What's your clientele usually like?
GUILLERMO (CONT'D)
Yeah? Ok. No, that's actually perfect. Thank you so much.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Nandor, wearing a blindfold, stumbles on the sidewalk. Guillermo leads him along. The other vampires follow.
NANDOR
I'm excited, Guillermo! This is going to be-
Nandor bumps into a trash can.
NANDOR (CONT'D)
Ow! Do I really need this blindfold?
GUILLERMO
I want it to be a surprise for you, master.
NANDOR
Alright...
The group steps onto a BUS.
INT. BUS - NIGHT
NANDOR
I'm getting car sick, Guillermo.
GUILLERMO
We're almost there, master. Just keep facing forward.
NANDOR
Okay...
Nandor projectile vomits. A disgusting red-brown wave of vomit splashes several passengers.
GUILLERMO
This is our stop!
INT./EXT. ARCADE - NIGHT
The group gets off the bus and stands outside of the ARCADE. Guillermo and Nandor are both very excited.
GUILLERMO
Alright, master. Take off your blindfold.
NANDOR
Here we go...
Guillermo opens the door as Nandor takes off his blindfold. They quickly realize that the room is mostly empty, other than a sign that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANDOR" and a table with some party hats.
NANDOR
Oh, no, Guillermo. This sucks.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
EXT. ARCADE
The arcade sits between two apartment buildings. It's a little rundown. A neon "ARCADE" sign adorns the facade.
INT. ARCADE - ENTRANCE
LASZLO
I'm going to go find Donkey Kong Junior. Nadja, follow me!
Laszlo swiftly departs. Nadja reluctantly follows him.
COLIN ROBINSON
I think I'll just wander around.
Colin Robinson wanders off.
NANDOR
What am I going to do, Guillermo? You made such a terrible party.
GUILLERMO
Don't worry, master. I'll figure it out.
INT. ARCADE - TICKET DESK
Guillermo frantically approaches the ticket desk. The CLERK (man, late 50s) looks unfazed by Guillermo.
GUILLERMO
Hey, what's going on? Where are all the people?
CLERK
People?
GUILLERMO
You know, "people."
CLERK
I don't know what you mean.
GUILLERMO
You know... Lonely, twenty-something white men... with poor hygiene...
CLERK
Hey man, I just work here. This is an arcade, not a fetish dungeon.
Guillermo spots a FLYER FOR A SUPER SMASH BROS. TOURNAMENT on a bulletin board.
GUILLERMO
Wait a minute...
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO AT THE ARCADE
GUILLERMO
Apparently there's a Super Smash Bros. Melee tournament tonight. That must be where all the virgins are. I should have checked the virgin calendar. Those virgins... they're wily.
INT. ARCADE - PARTY AREA
Nandor is sitting at a table with his head down. Guillermo walks up to him sheepishly.
GUILLERMO
So, there may not be any virgins-
Nandor wails in despair.
GUILLERMO (CONT'D)
-but this can still be a fun party! Look, here you go.
Guillermo puts a PARTY HAT on Nandor's head. He frowns.
NANDOR
This is not a fun party. This is a bad party.
GUILLERMO
Hey, turn that frown upside down. There are lots of fun games to play.
NANDOR
Okay.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Laszlo caresses the Donkey Kong Junior cabinet as if it were his lover. Nadja watches in disgust.
LASZLO
Ah yes, my sweet baby. How I have missed you.
NADJA
Weren't you just here last week?
LASZLO
Let me just... insert my quarters...
Laszlo suggestively puts two quarters into the machine.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
Oh yeah. I know you like that.
NADJA
Alright, I'm leaving.
LASZLO
No! Come on, Nadja. Watch me play. Please?
NADJA
Fine.
LASZLO
Yes. Let's go.
Laszlo starts playing. Nadja is not paying attention.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
Yes! Banana bonus! Did you see that, Nadja?
NADJA
Sure.
LASZLO
I'll beat the high score in no time.
INT. ARCADE - GUITAR GAME AREA
Guillermo and Nandor hold fake guitars in front of a GUITAR HERO-STYLE GAME. Nandor fumbles with his, having no rhythm whatsoever. The audience on the screen jeers.
NANDOR
Why are they booing me, Guillermo?
GUILLERMO
They aren't real, master. It's just a game.
NANDOR
(to screen)
Shut up! I will mutilate your children!
NANDOR (CONT'D)
Why aren't they listening to me?
GUILLERMO
They can't hear you. I told you, they're not real.
Nandor hisses at the screen.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Laszlo finishes a game of Donkey Kong Junior.
LASZLO
Look at this! Third place, Nadja. Are you looking?
NADJA
(sarcastically)
Yes, good job.
LASZLO
Ha ha ha...
Laszlo enters "A. S. S." as his initials for the high score list.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
Look, Nadja. You're not going to believe this.
NADJA
What?
LASZLO
Instead of entering my true initials, I have entered A.S.S.! Now everyone who plays this game is going to see that!
Nadja chuckles.
NADJA
Well, that is kind of funny.
INT. ARCADE - FISHING GAME AREA
Guillermo and Nandor are playing a FISHING GAME.
GUILLERMO
See, this is fun, isn't it master?
Nandor fumbles with his fishing pole.
NANDOR
All the fish keep running away from me! Why do they do that?
GUILLERMO
You just have to cast it at the right moment. See?
Guillermo casts his fishing line perfectly. Nandor tries to imitate him, but accidentally hits himself in the face.
NANDOR
Ow! It's not working Guillermo.
INT. ARCADE BY THE CLAW MACHINE
Colin Robinson hides and watches a LITTLE GIRL playing the CLAW MACHINE.
COLIN ROBINSON (T.C.)
Arcades can actually be a great place to get energy. You might think people have a lot of fun here, but you'd be surprised.
Colin Robinson approaches the little girl.
COLIN ROBINSON
You were really close that time, huh?
The MOTHER of the little girl sees Colin Robinson and sweeps the girl away.
MOTHER
Come on, honey.
COLIN ROBINSON
(shouting after them)
Just keep trying! You'll get it eventually!
Colin Robinson smiles, his eyes glowing with energy.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Laszlo is still playing Donkey Kong Junior. Nadja is bored.
LASZLO
Oh, come on! Blast it.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH LASZLO AT THE ARCADE
LASZLO
The high score right now is held by some fellow who goes by I.A.N. Now, I don't know if this is someone named Ian, or someone with those initials, but every time I get close to beating him, I fall just short. I hate Ian. Or someone with the initials I.A.N. Not sure which it is.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
NADJA
Why don't you just jump up there and get the cherries?
LASZLO
Oh ho ho, my precious Nadja. This game is a bit more complicated than that.
NADJA
It looks like you can just hop over there.
LASZLO
I don't have time to explain to you all the intricacies of video gaming, I just-
Laszlo sees a GAME OVER screen.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
Now look what you've done. You distracted me and I have died.
NADJA
I'm sorry, Laszlo. I didn't mean to.
LASZLO
Sure. Here we go again...
Laszlo puts another set of quarters in the machine.
INT. ARCADE BY THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE GAME
Colin Robinson talks to a YOUNG MAN (mid 20s) playing a WHEEL OF FORTUNE-STYLE GAME.
COLIN ROBINSON
You know, the hardware of this game actually controls how often you can get a jackpot. It has almost nothing to do with skill.
YOUNG MAN
No way. I'm really, really good at this game.
COLIN ROBINSON
You may think so, but it's actually just a simple trick. They program the game to let you get really close to the jackpot, but that's just to make you keep playing.
YOUNG MAN
Okay...
COLIN ROBINSON
It's just trying to get all your quarters. And don't get me started on the tangible value of tickets, which is virtually nothing.
The young man walks away, and Colin Robinson follows.
COLIN ROBINSON (CONT'D)
I always tell people, you're better off just spending your quarters at a real toy store if you want any of those ticket prizes.
The man collapses on the ground. Colin Robinson smiles.
INT. ARCADE - SHOOTING GAME AREA
Guillermo and Nandor are holding fake guns, playing a SHOOTING GAME. Guillermo is doing really, really well.
NANDOR
But this gun is pink. And there are no bullets!
GUILLERMO
Right, it's a video game. You look at the screen and pull the trigger.
Nandor looks at the screen and screams in fright.
NANDOR
They're coming for me, Guillermo!
GUILLERMO
You just have to point and shoot.
NANDOR
Hey, wait a minute... are these vampires we are shooting?
GUILLERMO
Hm, well...
The name of the game is revealed: "VAMPIRE HUNTERS"
NANDOR
I don't want to kill vampires!
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry, master, I didn't realize they were vampires.
Nandor stands back and watches Guillermo accidentally kill several vampires in the game.
NANDOR
You are really good at this, Guillermo.
Guillermo immediately stops.
GUILLERMO
Let's find something else to do.
NANDOR
I don't want to play any more.
Nandor walks away somberly.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Laszlo has become quite frustrated.
LASZLO
That's it. The game must be rigged. There's no way anyone could get past this level.
NADJA
Can we go do something else, then?
LASZLO
No! I will never abandon my beloved Donkey Kong Junior.
NADJA
Okay...
LASZLO
I know! we can play two-player. That should make me feel better. I'll even let you go first.
NADJA
Alright.
Nadja starts playing. She is immediately very good at the game. Laszlo watches in astonishment.
LASZLO
Well, I guess you've got beginners luck on your side.
NADJA
Are you kidding? This game is incredibly easy.
LASZLO
You must have set it to the "Novice" difficulty or something.
Nadja beats a level.
NADJA
Woohoo! Did you see that?
Laszlo looks to camera with worry.
INT. ARCADE - PARTY AREA
Nandor is moping. Guillermo sits next to him.
GUILLERMO
Come on, master, cheer up.
NANDOR
How can I cheer up, Guillermo? You've thrown such an awful party!
GUILLERMO
Well...
NANDOR
I wanted it to be like my old parties. This is nothing like them. It's terrible, Guillermo.
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry, master. I-
NANDOR
Why would you do such a horrible party? Did you do this on purpose?
GUILLERMO
No, master, I-
NANDOR
Why?
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry!
Guillermo runs away in tears.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO AT THE ARCADE
Guillermo has just finished crying.
GUILLERMO
I just really want my master to have a great party.
INT. ARCADE - ENTRANCE
Guillermo is on the phone, holding Nandor's rolodex.
GUILLERMO
Hello, is this Sundaram the Discordant?
Screams come through the phone.
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry, what was that?
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
As much as I hate his friends... inviting them is the only thing I can think of to make it better.
INT. ARCADE - ENTRANCE
GUILLERMO
So you can make it? Great!
Cut to another call. Guillermo talks slowly and loudly.
GUILLERMO
It's Nandor's vampire birthday. No, NAN-dor. Nan-DOR. We're at an arc-
Guillermo pulls the phone away from his ear.
GUILLERMO (T.C.)
She hung up on me.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Yes, I even invited Human Larry.
INT. ARCADE - ENTRANCE
Guillermo speaks very reluctantly to Human Larry.
GUILLERMO
Yes, it should be a lot of fun.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO AT THE ARCADE
GUILLERMO
Ugh. That guy is the worst. I really hope this pays off.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. ARCADE - PARTY AREA
Nandor is lying on the floor crying. Guillermo comes over from the entrance. Music is playing quietly in the background.
GUILLERMO
Good news, master.
NANDOR
Oh no, what now? Have you found another terrible game for me to play?
GUILLERMO
Nope. I think you're really going to like this.
ALISTAIRE THE BENEVOLENT (tall mid-40s, dressed in old garb) enters the arcade. Nandor stands up.
ALISTAIRE THE BENEVOLENT
Happy birthday, Nandor!
NANDOR
Alistaire! What a surprise!
ALISTAIRE THE BENEVOLENT
Hi, Gumby.
GUILLERMO
It's Guillermo.
Alistaire the Benevolent pulls Guillermo's pants down. Guillermo quickly pulls them back up. DAN THE STRONG (mid-20s, dressed in gym clothes) enters.
NANDOR
Dan the Strong! Look at those big muscles.
DAN THE STRONG
Happy seven-hundredth, buddy! Hey, Gomer.
Dan the Strong playfully punches Guillermo on the arm a little too hard. Guillermo rubs his arm.
GUILLERMO
It's Guillermo.
Several more of NANDOR'S FRIENDS arrive and greet him.
NANDOR
It's Arby the Beefy! The Colonel! Lastravia the Italian! How did they all know to come here?
GUILLERMO
Let's just say a little birdy told them.
NANDOR
Oh no! Has this little birdy been spying on us?
GUILLERMO
No, no, master, it's me. I'm the little birdy.
Nandor looks at Guillermo.
NANDOR
Oh, okay. I guess I can see that.
HUMAN LARRY (30s, wearing fashionable clothing) enters.
NANDOR
Hey, even Human Larry is here! The life of the party! Hi Human Larry!
HUMAN LARRY
You know, you can just call me Larry.
NANDOR
Oh, Human Larry. You are such a jokester.
Nandor and Human Larry high-five.
GUILLERMO
Are you happy, master?
NANDOR
Yes! Now it's a real party!
HUMAN LARRY
Let's get turned up!
The music gets louder. The whole room, once quiet and boring, is now filled with life and energy.
INT. ARCADE - BASKETBALL GAME AREA
Nandor is shooting hoops at the BASKETBALL GAME. Guillermo and Human Larry are watching him.
NANDOR
Look at this.
Nandor makes a basket.
HUMAN LARRY
Alright! Great shot!
NANDOR
Now check this out.
Nandor does a backwards shot and it does not go in.
NANDOR (CONT'D)
Did it go in?
GUILLERMO
Yes, master.
Nandor turns back around and does make a shot.
NANDOR
Watch me, Guillermo! I'm like Michael Jordan! MJ!
GUILLERMO
Very good, master.
Another shot goes in.
NANDOR
Swish!
GUILLERMO
Yeah! Swish!
Nandor makes another one.
NANDOR
And one!
GUILLERMO
Actually, I don't think that really makes sense in this contex-
NANDOR
And one, Guillermo.
GUILLERMO
And one.
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Nadja is still playing, and doing really well.
NADJA
Look at this, Laszlo. Look how many points I've got.
LASZLO
Well that's bloody brilliant.
Human Larry walks over.
HUMAN LARRY
Woah, are you about to beat the high score?
NADJA
Maybe.
Human Larry starts to chant.
HUMAN LARRY
Nadja, Nadja, Nadja!
A CROWD forms around Nadja and begins to chant along.
CROWD
Nadja, Nadja, Nadja!
Nadja raises her arms in victory.
NADJA
I did it!
The crowd cheers.
LASZLO
Alright, now it's my turn.
Laszlo starts playing, and the crowd begins to disperse.
LASZLO (CONT'D)
Hey, where's everybody going? I'm going to beat the high score!
NADJA
Oh, sorry. I guess no one wants to watch you play on the "Novice" setting.
INT. ARCADE - RACING GAME AREA
Nandor is sitting in a RACING GAME, with Guillermo beside him.
NANDOR
Now, Guillermo, you're sure I don't need a license for this?
GUILLERMO
No, you don't need a license.
NANDOR
Because mine is expired. I never got it renewed.
GUILLERMO
That's fine, master. Okay, it's about to start...
The game starts, and Nandor pretends to be driving.
NANDOR
This is incredible, Guillermo! I feel like I'm really driving!
GUILLERMO
Oh, come on, master. This can't be better than flying.
NANDOR
Flying, shmying. This is amazing! Look at me, Guillermo, I am just like Ludacris! Fast and Furious!
INT. ARCADE - ENTRANCE
Several twenty-something white men with poor hygiene enter. THE VIRGINS!
INT. ARCADE - DONKEY KONG JUNIOR AREA
Laszlo stops playing the game and sniffs the air.
LASZLO
What's that I smell...
INT. ARCADE - MAIN PARTY AREA
Nandor and Guillermo are in a big crowd of other party-goers. Nandor spots the virgins entering.
NANDOR
The virgins are here!
GUILLERMO
The Melee tournament must have ended early.
VIRGIN
Hey, this place is more crowded than usu-AHHH!
Nandor takes a bite out of the virgin. The other vampires start to drink the blood from the other virgins.
NANDOR
Guillermo... I can't believe I've thrown such a good party.
GUILLERMO
But master, I... you...
NANDOR
I know, you're rendered speechless by my party planning skills. It's okay, Guillermo.
INT. ARCADE - DANCE GAME AREA
Nandor and Laszlo play a DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION-STYLE GAME. They are clearly having a lot of fun, although they are not doing well at the game. A crowd cheers them on.
LASZLO
I must say, I haven't had this much fun since I invented disco in the 1970s.
NANDOR
It really is a good workout, isn't it?
NADJA
You look great up there!
NANDOR
Thank you.
LASZLO
Thank you.
COLIN ROBINSON
You know, this game has actually caused multiple deaths...
NANDOR
Shut up, Colin Robinson! This is too much fun!
COLIN ROBINSON (T.C.)
I guess not every arcade game is good for energy harvesting.
Nandor does a spectacular dance move and the crowd cheers. Merriment continues.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin Robinson are in the process of waking up, groggy from the previous night.
LASZLO
That was some party last night.
NANDOR
My legs are still sore!
NADJA
I can't believe you stole the Donkey Kong Junior cabinet.
Widen to reveal the Donkey Kong Junior cabinet in the middle of the room.
LASZLO
Yes, well. Last night was just a fluke. I'll have that high score in no time.
NADJA
Sure you will.
Guillermo enters, wearing a bathrobe.
GUILLERMO
How'd everybody sleep? Ready for the big day today?
NANDOR
Yeah...
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
I think my master really, really liked the party. He did seem a little confused about who planned it, but deep down he knows it was me. This could finally be the day...
INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
GUILLERMO
So master, have you given any more thought to who you might turn into a vampire today?
NANDOR
Well...
Human Larry enters the room, holding a cup of coffee.
HUMAN LARRY
Great party last night! I can't believe you turned me into a vampire.
GUILLERMO
What? Him?
NANDOR
Come on, Guillermo. He's... look at him, he's great... Human Larry...
Nandor looks at Human Larry and begins to regret his choice.
HUMAN LARRY
Now we can party all night for all eternity! Yeah! Vampire Larry!
Vampire Larry goes to high-five Nandor, and Nandor reluctantly reciprocates.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
I don't really like Vampire Larry.
INT. LIVING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
VAMPIRE LARRY
This is going to be so fun. What are we going to do first?
NANDOR
Well... why don't you go home, Vampire Larry?
VAMPIRE LARRY
Wait, I can't stay here?
NANDOR
No... no... go on home now.
VAMPIRE LARRY
Okay, alright...
Vampire Larry turns to go.
NANDOR
Bye!
The door closes.
NANDOR (CONT'D)
That guy is the worst. Why did I like him before?
GUILLERMO
I don't know, master...
NADJA
You know, I could really go for a bloody mary.
LASZLO
That sounds marvelous.
COLIN ROBINSON
Ooh, a bloody mary would be great.
NANDOR
Guillermo, four bloody marys! You can use the leftover blood from my virgin in the dungeon.
COLIN ROBINSON
Could you make mine without blood, actually?
NANDOR
Three bloody marys, and one non-bloody mary.
GUILLERMO
Coming right up, master.
NANDOR
Thank you, Guillermo.
INT. THE MANSION - KITCHEN
Guillermo enters the kitchen and kicks a trash can in anger. He starts preparing the bloody marys.
GUILLERMO (V.O.)
I'm definitely a little upset that my master didn't make me a vampire. And I didn't get any credit for throwing the party.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
But it sounds like Vampire Larry won't be coming around as much anymore, so that's good. And I'm glad my master had a good time.
INT. THE MANSION - DUNGEON / LIVING ROOM
Guillermo goes down into the dungeon and extracts blood from Nandor's virgin. He serves the bloody marys to the vampires.
GUILLERMO (V.O.)
That's all I ever really wanted. Well, that, and becoming a vampire.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Oh well. There's always his octocentennial.
END